Postnatal rage
Help! I am losing my cool with my baby and/or partner!
Postnatal rage is a common symptom of postnatal depression and anxiety. It’s also possible to just have postnatal anger as opposed to postnatal anger with depression.
What is postnatal rage?
Postnatal rage is an intense anger experience that can feel uncontrollable. You might notice feeling snappy, edgy, irritable, and easily annoyed. You might say and do things that seem out of character.
It often leads to outbursts and explosions towards your baby or partner that you later feel guilty or ashamed of. Mum’s often report feeling disappointed in themselves. Some say things like ‘I normally handle stress really well’, ‘I’m laid back’, ‘I’m not an angry person’, and ‘I’m usually very chilled’.
If it is common, why have my other mum friends have never mentioned it?
Mum’s often don’t talk about this because they feel like it shouldn’t be happening. They don’t want to be the ‘bad mum’ or even the ‘crazy mum’.
Some mothers worry that they are going to lose control or that there is something wrong with them. They often feel embarrassed and ashamed, thinking ‘it’s okay to be sad, everyone asks about that, but it’s not okay to be angry and few people talk about this, not even the health professionals’. Wrong! The truth is, this happens to many mums.
Should I be concerned?
We know that children who are exposed to parental anger or depression are at greater risk of developing emotional problems.
Research shows that if a mum is both angry and depressed, the depression can last longer and be more intense.
Postnatal rage can lead to relationship conflict, difficulty in raising your child and it can be very distressing for the person experiencing it.
What are the causes of postnatal rage?
Unmet support needs: Lack of support is one of the key risk factors for postnatal depression. Feelings of frustration, disappointment and overwhelm combined with sleep deprivation, not surprisingly, can result in postnatal rage.
Mismatch of expectations of motherhood: Most mum’s have a vision of what life will look like when they have a baby.
Gorgeous clean little outfits. Coffee dates with friends. Breastfeeding with ease. Daily exercise. Balancing work and home life seamlessly. The house will be tidier than ever because I will be at home.
When these expectations aren’t met, this can lead to disappointment and frustration, as well as many unsuccessful attempts to continue with these unrealistic parenting goals leading to postnatal rage.
Feelings of powerlessness: This is common and can occur for a number of reasons.
As a component of depression and anger.
As a result of a traumatic birth.
Being unable to have a break due to lack of support.
Feeling trapped by your situation due to lack of support.
Not being able to control your situation i.e., get your baby to sleep, being unable to breastfeed.
Not knowing what to do or where to get help.
Hormones: One of the reasons mums can be irritable may relate to oxytocin and prolactin, which together help with bonding, milk production and a feeling of calm and contentment.
However, these hormones also increase maternal protective behaviours, which leads to hostility towards outsiders!
Have you ever noticed how animal mothers behave when you attempt to go near their young? They will be far more aggressive than their male counterpart, mothers are built this way to protect their young and survive.
What should I do?
Talk to your GP about getting help for your anger and whether you may have postnatal depression or anxiety that needs treating. They can provide you with treatment options and referral if needed (e.g., psychology/counselling/medication).
Some quick ideas:
Reconnect with your body to become more attuned to the warning signs.
Label the anger rather than acting on it. Say to yourself ‘I’m feeling really angry right now’.
Allow the anger to be there, it’s okay to be angry, it is what you do with it that matters.
Change how you talk to yourself about it. Be kind rather than critical. Talk to yourself like you would a friend. ‘This is hard but it will pass’. ‘It is okay if I don’t finish this’. ‘I’m doing my best’. ‘I’m trying’.
Practice being mindful and in the present when anger arrives. You will manage your emotions better when you are aware of your thoughts and feelings. This allows you to respond rather than react.
Practice slow deep breathing., focusing on along slow exhale. Place your hand on your heart and breathe gently into a place of warmth and non-judgmental kindness.
Ask for more help and support. You deserve to feel better and with help and support, things can improve.